Grandma

Today I watched the film หลานม่า , and I thought the grandma of my own. I want to dedicate this blog and the time to her to commemorate her significance in my life.

I am brought up by my grandparents. My grandma always said she was not educated and she knew nothing to help with my study. She always attributed my performance in the school to my own diligence. I was too little to understand the utmost sophistication in her simple action. Till today I am still not fully sure if she did this strategically to encourage me or she did all of these simply out of her pure love for me.

My grandma is a buddhist and believes in Guanyin in particular too. There was always a Guanyin at our home and my grandma prayed to them everyday. When I was little, I believed in Buddha because of the influence of my grandma too. We went to temples together, prayed to Buddha on the morning of every Chinese New Year, and we ever ate the Zhai food (Jay/เจ food in Thailand) at the temple too. Many years later, I visited the same temple again. I can’t recall exactly if my grandma was still there. In my memory, she probably had already passed away. Everything changed. The path to the mountain was fully renovated. It was not difficult to climb up to the temple at all. There was a much fancier front gate too. Of course with this gate, the entrance was not free any more. I remember I went to the canteen again once. The taste in my memory was never there again. I changed fundamentally as well. I don’t believe in anything any more, but I don’t know why, there is probably a small part in my heart that has never changed, which slightly surprised me as well. Last year I travelled with some friends in Chiang Rai. Without any plan, the driver took us to a temple named Wat Huay Pla Kang (วัดห้วยปลากั้ง) . There was a giant Guanyin. I don’t pray or wish for anything from buddha for a long time, but that time I really wanted to donate some money, simply because I am surprised the belief of my grandma is sustained in another country and I want to keep it. Before I put the money into the donation box, I mentioned it to my friend. I think it’s out of my subconsciousness, and my friend thought it was the right thing to do, then I did it.

I was not able to attend the funeral of my grandma. I called home every week, but I was only told my grandma had passed away one month after when I asked if my grandma was around for a talk. The reason that was given to me was still absurd after all these years - I studied in Beijing and I shall not be disturbed. Those families who never lived with me like making decisions for me. I don’t like any of them, and this decision is the most hateful one ever.

When I went back again, I knew it’s all passed. Nothing was ever going to change whatever I did. I could only move on. As in the film, finance and relationship are also problems in my family. There were several issues around them, and when I watched this film, I actually pondered what if my grandparents had no money at all, will things be different.

I am very fortunate to have been raised by my grandparents. They were not perfect people, but they have given me all their love. I am not capable of finding another after they left.

Thank you my grandparents. 谢谢，我的婆婆爷爷。❤️